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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182363">brainy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/neomarxist127/pseuds/neomarxist127'>neomarxist127</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Complicated Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Trans Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:02:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,566</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182363</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/neomarxist127/pseuds/neomarxist127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>To Donghyuck, Jaemin is an exercise of patience. As if he is a cup of hot tea, Donghyuck has learned him through waiting for it.<br/> </p><p> </p><p>
  <i>or,</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Five times that Jaemin reaches out for Donghyuck after a break-up, and the one time that Jaemin doesn’t date anyone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>brainy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! i hope that you enjoy reading this fanfic! before you do, though:</p><p>donghyuck is a trans male in this fanfic. to write him, i did research about trans issues, and most of my work on the actual character is based from <a href="https://hedonistink.tumblr.com/post/158978575419/interdictedkais-guide-to-writing-trans-men-having">this post</a>. i'm a cis woman, and i know how badly the writer community in fandoms in general has treated trans people, and i want to make it clear that my intention was never to fetishize, marginalize and/or offend anyone. if you do feel like i did, though, feel free to discuss it with me, i'm very interessed in learning and expanding my knowlegment. i truly hope that's not the case, tho, i hope this piece of work doesn't bring anything except good feelings to everybody that comes across it.</p><p><b>CW:</b> there's explicit descriptions of sex and use of alcohol on this fic, there's also mentions of smoking. if you don't feel comfortable with it, be aware!!</p><p>This is a work of fiction. Please, read it as so.</p><p>enjoy it! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="ao3">
  <strong> <em> 1. </em> </strong>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">To Donghyuck, Jaemin is an exercise of patience. As if he is a cup of hot tea, Donghyuck has learned him through waiting for it. He is like falling asleep, it comes slowly, but it hits Donghyuck strongly, forbidding him of denial, as he is too deep in it already.</p><p class="ao3">It’s all worth it, though. It always guides Donghyuck back to Jaemin’s mouth and body.</p><p class="ao3">It’s Wednesday afternoon, and Donghyuck should be in class. Jaemin had called, though, and, with a neutral tone of voice, told him that he was single again. He asked if Donghyuck wanted to come over to his dorm. </p><p class="ao3">That’s how Donghyuck finds himself on top of Jaemin’s mattress, with Jaemin flushed and with his cock hard under him. They are fully clothed, and haven’t done anything except make out and hump against each other, but Donghyuck already feels his dick pulsate against his underwear. He wonders if Jaemin is able to feel it too, where their crotches are pressed together.</p><p class="ao3">“How long did it last?” Donghyuck asks, breathless. He sucks a mark on the side of Jaemin’s neck, and flicks his tongue against the irritated skin, aiming to soothe it. Jaemin’s moan sounds like a beautiful song to his ears. “He didn’t last that long, hm?” </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck always asks about the relationship, and he feels a bitter taste on his tongue every time he does it. </p><p class="ao3">It doesn’t stop him from doing it, though. He enjoys it, it feeds his ego. It doesn’t matter how many people Jaemin opens his legs to, Donghyuck is the only one that he always ends up coming back to. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin doesn’t seem fazed by the question, he never is. Before he answers it, he gives Donghyuck’s lips a peck. His eyes are glinting shinily, and his mouth is plump and wet with a mixture of his and Donghyuck's spit. “One month.”</p><p class="ao3">“Hyunjin is so handsome, though,” Donghyuck says, because it is the truth, and he wants to see Jaemin’s reaction. “Why did you guys break up?”</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin only shrugs his shoulders. It is always the same. He never answers what Donghyuck really wants to know.</p><p class="ao3">“Who is going to be next?” Donghyuck presses, ignoring the tentative kisses that Jaemin leaves under his jaw. “Who is the next in line?”</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin sighs, and stops trying to kiss Donghyuck, letting his back rest against the mattress completely. He looks up at Donghyuck, with cloudy and serious eyes. </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck feels himself blush, bare under Jaemin’s stare. That, too, seems like an unexceptional occurrence. He tries not to show it, and keeps his eyes glued to Jaemin's, making the tension build up.</p><p class="ao3">He does really want to know it. It’s always the same. Jaemin is never single. Donghyuck only has him in the short windows of time between his prior and next relationship. They never last long, and Donghyuck wants to be prepared. </p><p class="ao3">“There’s no line,” Jaemin’s voice is flat, no emotion bleeds through it.</p><p class="ao3">“You know that’s not true,” Donghyuck voice is low as he speaks, “there’s always someone waiting for you.” He is too self-aware to not feel a cold rush pass through his stomach.</p><p class="ao3">The silence that installs itself between them is thick. Donghyuck worries that he has gone too far, but it seems that Jaemin is wearing a mask, it’s impossible to know what he is really feeling. The only sign of disturbance that Donghyuck is able to capture is the way that Jaemin’s cock flags, the shape of it becoming less defined where their bodies meet.</p><p class="ao3">“It’s not like that,” Jaemin whispers, blinking his eyes rapidly. “It just happens.”</p><p class="ao3">“You just can’t be alone, right?” Donghyuck feels almost mean as he says it, like he is provoking one of Jaemin’s nerves. There's poison in his saliva. “There’s no need for you to be, too.”</p><p class="ao3">For the first time, Jaemin seems bothered by something. His eyes look big and glassy, and there's a frown between his eyebrows. He looks confused, as if he had touched something that he didn't expect to burn him. It makes Donghyuck feel bad, but the feeling is muted by an undertaste of revenge. </p><p class="ao3">It's nice to have an upper hand, finally. He is so used to staying behind, tolerating Jaemin's boyfriends and girlfriends, as if he is a background character in their romance.</p><p class="ao3">"What do you mean?" Jaemin asks, with a pout on his pink lips and expressive eyes. He sounds tense, as if he's cornered. Suddenly, Donghyuck becomes too aware of the way that he is caging Jaemin's body with his arms and legs, of how close they actually are on top of the bed.</p><p class="ao3">It's enough to bring him down.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck knows his place, he can't lie to himself. He is a support character in Jaemin's life. Donghyuck is only there in the gaps, he is only there to make Jaemin feel something in the void. That's what they are about. From day one, it was clear. There's no place for Donghyuck's maliciousness.</p><p class="ao3">"I don't know." It’s not true, the words had felt like a sharp sword before they had even left Donghyuck’s mouth. His voice is weak, and it makes him feel mediocre. "I’m sorry," he says, this time, honestly. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin circles his arms around Donghyuck's shoulders, pulling him down, closing any kind of distance between them. Donghyuck closes his eyes, and relishes on the feeling of Jaemin's lips and tongue sucking tiny bruises on his neck. It feels too gentle and undeserving.</p><p class="ao3">"Are you jealous?" Jaemin asks, with his voice rough. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin doesn't let go of Donghyuck when he tries to move, keeping him trapped against his body, under his arms. Donghyuck wonders if Jaemin doesn't want to look at his face as he answers, or if he doesn’t want Donghyuck to look at him as he listens to the answer.</p><p class="ao3">"No," Donghyuck lies, to make it easier for everybody, especially himself. It's the first time that Jaemin has asked him that, but the answer feels practiced on Donghyuck's lips, as if he has said it before a thousand times. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin believes in it. He has no reason to not to.</p><p class="ao3">Before Donghyuck leaves, he makes Jaemin come twice with his fingers inside of his ass. Jaemin loves being fingered, and Donghyuck loves seeing him, flushed, sweaty and desperate, trying to stroke his cock at the same rhythm as Donghyuck presses against his prostate.</p><p class="ao3">After he comes for the second time, Jaemin asks Donghyuck if he can give him head. Even though he is wet, and Jaemin's tongue is warm and talented, Donghyuck denies it, claiming that he is late to a meeting with one of his professors. Jaemin doesn't insist, but the print of his eyes is too heavy on Donghyuck as he rises from the bed and searches for his backpack around the room.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck avoids looking at Jaemin. It seems wrong to do it. It feels too bare. Donghyuck, clothed, and Jaemin, naked and still pink-toned on top of his mattress, with his soft cock laying between his thighs, sticky with drying cum and lube.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck wonders if he is a masochist, or if he really just hates himself. The answer remains unclear as he muffles the sounds of his orgasm on his shower later at night, when he is sure that Renjun is sleeping and won't hear him through the fine walls. He comes with two fingers stuffed on his cunt and his thumb pressing on the end of his cock hardly, thinking about Jaemin's mouth and body.</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">
  <strong> <em> 2. </em> </strong>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck has learned, a long time ago, that, if Mark is horny enough, he'll do anything to get some cock. That includes convincing all of his group of friends to go to a nasty bar, that you have to pay to enter in it, and watch a spoken word poetry contest.</p><p class="ao3">Nevertheless, it's not the worst thing that Donghyuck has been submitted on the account of Mark's horniness. Thankfully, Yuta, the guy that Mark is chasing, will, also, do anything to get his dick wet. He convinced Johnny, the owner of the bar, who, according to him, is his childhood friend, to not charge for any of the beers that Mark and his friends consume.</p><p class="ao3">It's needless to say that nobody has ordered anything but beer. If Donghyuck wasn't so wasted, he would be scared of Johnny kicking them out.</p><p class="ao3">Mark disappeared a long time ago, and, if Donghyuck had to bet where he is, all his money would go to the bathroom, probably with Yuta’s load in his mouth. Jaemin and his boyfriend, Youngjae, had, also, left the table half an hour ago, according to the watch that Donghyuck doesn’t seem able to stop checking. He tries his best to not imagine Jaemin drooling on Youngjae’s cock, kneeled down on the disgusting floor of the bar’s bathroom. It doesn’t work, so he takes another sip of the beer in front of him.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck is seated on an old red couch in the corner of the bar. He feels like a loser. He is basically alone, his only company being Renjun and Jeno. Both of which are completely uninterested in him, too busy whispering in each other’s ears, squeezed, too closely to be just friendly, in the armchair next to him.</p><p class="ao3">He could leave the bar and go back to the dorm, to get a good night of sleep. He could, even, look for someone to hook up with tonight. Donghyuck knows that he isn’t going to do any of that, though. Jaemin’s face appears on his mind, not coincidentally.</p><p class="ao3">“I’m going out for a smoke,” Donghyuck says, rising from the couch. He doesn’t wait for Jeno or Renjun to answer it before leaving.</p><p class="ao3">Johnny’s bar is an old and abandoned house. To go outside, Donghyuck crosses what would be the living room, in the direction of the front door. There are some chairs and beanbags in the veranda, but, before Donghyuck can sit on one of those to roll his tobacco up, Jaemin stops him.</p><p class="ao3">“You’re here,” he says, and one of his hands curls around Donghyuck’s wrist, pulling him closer. “I was going to look for you now.”</p><p class="ao3">It catches Donghyuck out of guard. Jaemin doesn’t seem to notice, though. He is flushed, and clearly joyful, with excited eyes and a big smile on his mouth. His chest rises and falls at a fast pace, as if he is catching his breath. Donghyuck wonders how drunk he is.</p><p class="ao3">"Why?" He asks, too quickly, his tongue out of control.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin smiles again, and there is an undeniable sweetness underneath it. Donghyuck is drunk too, and he wonders if Jaemin's eyes are always so big and starry. They probably aren't, he would have noticed. He notices everything about Jaemin.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin doesn't let go of his wrist. Instead, he tightens his grip on it, and guides Donghyuck out of the veranda. Donghyuck allows it, too entranced by Jaemin's hot touch to focus on anything else. When they stop, it shocks Donghyuck. He, for the first time, takes his eyes off Jaemin to look around. They are in a kind of backyard, that doesn't have much except bad mainted trees and empty boxes with logos of alcoholic beverages.</p><p class="ao3">It's ugly, and it takes Donghyuck out from under the spell that Jaemin has enchanted him with. "Where's Youngjae?" </p><p class="ao3">He knows Jaemin too much. He is too familiar with the situation. It’s one of their silent rules, there is no point in being alone together when Jaemin is dating. </p><p class="ao3">“You know it.” Jaemin says, and his eyes are still bright. He is right. </p><p class="ao3">It comes as a surprise to Donghyuck. It rarely ever is. After all this time, he almost always knows when Jaemin is going to be single. It’s in the way that his eyes linger on Donghyuck for a longer time, the way that he politely ignores some of the commentaries from the person that he is with. It’s in the way that Jaemin seems to get increasingly more bored.</p><p class="ao3">Today, though, none of that happened. Jaemin stared at Youngjae with a pretty smile, laughed at all of his jokes, and interlaced their fingers together as they walked to the bar. Donghyuck had even seen them making out at some point, after they offered to get the next round of beers for the table.</p><p class="ao3">“What happened?” </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin shrugs. Donghyuck sighs, and he is sure that Jaemin isn’t going to answer it, until he does, “I missed you.”</p><p class="ao3">“What the fuck, Jaemin?” Donghyuck snorts, too shocked to do anything else. “Are you lying to me? Did you really break up with Youngjae?”</p><p class="ao3">In the silence after his question, Donghyuck becomes aware of the space between him and Jaemin. There’s too much of it, and a chill breeze passes through them, but he still has to raise his head to look at Jaemin’s face. He is staring hardly at Donghyuck, with his bottom lip pressed against the top row of his teeth, as if he is trying to solve something that lies in his expression.</p><p class="ao3">“I’d never lie to you,” Jaemin says, finally.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck knows that. Jaemin is not him.</p><p class="ao3">"What do you mean, then?" Donghyuck feels vexed. He doesn't know when his and Jaemin's relationship became so complicated that they are always talking through coded messages.</p><p class="ao3">"You know what I mean," Jaemin responds, and his tonal shift whiplashes Donghyuck. There is no residue of the docility that stained his voice earlier, Jaemin sounds almost exasperated, as if they had this conversation before.</p><p class="ao3">"Tell me when you are not drunk." It's hard for Donghyuck to say it, because he knows that Jaemin won't ever do it. It's clear by the way that Jaemin's expression falls that he knows it too.</p><p class="ao3">A feeling of despair rises in Donghyuck's chest as he sees Jaemin's defeat. It makes him want to scream, frustrated at Jaemin's cowardness. He knows that Jaemin is afraid of being alone, that is why he comes to Donghyuck every time he feels too close to it. However, it comes as a surprise how desperate he is, to be able to, even, chase Donghyuck like he does with the others.</p><p class="ao3">Anguish crawls up his stomach as he pictures Jaemin getting bored of him too. Donghyuck is able to see Jaemin slowly drifting apart from him, being unimpressed by his jokes, thoughts and kisses. Who would Jaemin go to after they had broken up? Who would play the part that Donghyuck has now, as a palate cleanser? </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck knows that he would, eventually, become just an undistinguishable face in the enormous sea that Jaemin swims in. The thought of that almost makes Donghyuck choke up, breathless.</p><p class="ao3">"I'm not another one to add in your list, Jaemin. It's not going to happen." It's the only thing that Donghyuck says before he leaves, turning without looking at Jaemin's face.</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">
  <strong> <em> 3. </em> </strong>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">The warm and yellow light from the hallway invades the, otherwise, completely dark bedroom. It bleeds through Donghyuck's closed eyelids, waking him up. He grunts, rolling on his mattress, trying to escape from the illumination. "Renjun, what the fuck do you want? It's late."</p><p class="ao3">"It's me. Renjun let me in," Jaemin's low voice fills the silence in the room smoothly.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck opens his eyes, and turns his head in the direction of the door. He is able to see a flash of Jaemin's silhouette, before he closes the door of Donghyuck's bedroom behind him, leaving everything in the dark one more time. Immediately, the silence in the room becomes thick and awkward.</p><p class="ao3">They haven't spoken in almost three months, ever since the day that Mark dragged everybody to Johnny's bar.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin approaches Donghyuck's bed, and kneels down on the floor next to it. The absence of light turns the traces of Jaemin's face soft, but, even in the darkness, his eyes shine brightly, looking like a lake reflecting stars on its surface.</p><p class="ao3">“What are you doing here?” Donghyuck asks, and the tiredness that he is feeling stains his voice. </p><p class="ao3">He already knows the obvious, and he wants Jaemin to give him the answer that he is really asking for. From the way that Jaemin frowns his brows and the way that his eyes shake, Donghyuck knows that he is not going to get it.</p><p class="ao3">He feels exhausted, as if he had spent the last weeks in a marathon. He doesn’t know for how much longer he can keep running in circles with Jaemin.</p><p class="ao3">“Let me lie down with you.” It sounds like a plea, and Donghyuck wonders how much it takes from Jaemin to be in this position. Donghyuck almost wants to deny it, because it is the only kind of agency that he feels that he has with Jaemin.</p><p class="ao3">He doesn't do it, though. He allows Jaemin to climb into his bed. The mattress dips under Jaemin’s weight, and the heat coming from his body crosses Donghyuck. He is able to smell Jaemin’s perfume too, the citric scent hitting him lightly.</p><p class="ao3">“Why do you think that none of my relationships last?” Jaemin is the one to break the silence.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck raises his eyes to look at him, and he is surprised by how young Jaemin looks, with soft hair and big and deep eyes. He looks vulnerable. It shocks Donghyuck, who spent the last weeks seeing a mask each time that he looked at Jaemin’s face.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck doesn’t have an answer to Jaemin’s question. He has a lot of possibilities, though. He thinks about Jaemin more than it’s healthy to admit it. Donghyuck stays quiet, almost breathless, as if he had forgotten how to control his mouth and tongue.</p><p class="ao3">It doesn't bother Jaemin, who continues to talk, "they always like me more than I like them." There is no trace of shame, or any other feeling, on Jaemin's expression. The words don't seem to have any effect on him, but, when he speaks again, a forced smile appears on his face, "I know that, because it's the same way that I like you more than you like me."</p><p class="ao3">Hearing Jaemin's words is harder than Donghyuck expected it to be. He feels a prickling sensation behind his nose and eyes, almost burning.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin is so wrong, and he has no idea. He doesn't understand that Donghyuck's denial is the biggest 'yes' that he got inside of him. It's the ultimate proof of how much Donghyuck doesn't want to let him go.</p><p class="ao3">It’s hard to acknowledge what Jaemin said. It's too scary and delicate, and Donghyuck is afraid of shattering it. </p><p class="ao3">Instead, Donghyuck asks what he always wanted to know. “Why do you date them?”</p><p class="ao3">Of course, Jaemin doesn’t answer him. He stares at Donghyuck with his big and sparkly eyes, looking so naïve that he looks lost. He shrugs his shoulders, out of words. </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck understands him. There aren't words that are able to express the reason why Jaemin puts himself, Donghyuck and other people through meaningless pain. There is no point in searching for logic in what is clearly constructed by an irrational mess and destruction inside of Jaemin. </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck forgives Jaemin for it. That’s probably the biggest act of love that he has ever done.</p><p class="ao3">“You are not like them,” Jaemin says, and Donghyuck is surprised by how tight his voice sounds. On his lips, the phrase sounds like a cry for help and a justification, as if he is giving Donghyuck everything that he is able to.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck believes in Jaemin, but he is sure that the words don't mean the same for the both of them. </p><p class="ao3">He wonders if Jaemin is aware of the weight of Donghyuck’s rejection on his back.  If, when it isn’t there anymore, he’ll feel relief or will miss it, after getting used to it. Donghyuck wonders if he is the first person to ever keep Jaemin at arm’s length.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck doesn't say anything, there’s no need to. The bedroom is swallowed in silence again. However, this time, it’s comforting. </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck feels closer to Jaemin than he has felt in months, and, for now, that is enough. He intertwines their fingers together, squeezing Jaemin’s palm against his own.</p><p class="ao3">Later that night, when Jaemin asks Donghyuck if he can blow him, he allows it.</p><p class="ao3">He doesn’t ask Donghyuck to take the old shirt that he is wearing off. Jaemin knows that Donghyuck sleeps without his binder, and he knows that Donghyuck isn’t comfortable being shirtless without it.</p><p class="ao3">As Jaemin takes off Donghyuck’s shorts and underwear, he licks his navel and crotch, dragging his tongue against his happy trail and pubic hair.</p><p class="ao3">“You’re so sexy,” he says, with a rough voice, after Donghyuck is naked from the waist down, with opened legs in front of him, the sharp and musky scent of his junk strong on his nose. Jaemin sucks hickeys on Donghyuck's inner thighs, and, when he is satisfied with the marks that he has left on the sensitive skin, he says, “you smell so good.”</p><p class="ao3">He holds one of Donghyuck’s hands as he goes down on him. Jaemin’s eyes remain open, staring at Donghyuck’s face as much as he is able to from between his legs. He closes his lips around Donghyuck’s cock, circling and pressing his tongue around the enlarged organ.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin further stimulates Donghyuck with a thumb wet with saliva inside of his butthole. It makes Donghyuck moan and whine, and he has to force himself to not close his legs on each side of Jaemin’s head. Jaemin uses the bent knuckles of his index and middle fingers to press on the space between Donghyuck’s asshole and cunt, making Donghyuck buck his hips up in pleasure.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin lets go of Donghyuck’s hand, and, with its thumb and index fingers, pulls the hood of Donghyuck’s dick down, exposing its head completely. Jaemin presses his tongue heavily against it, making Donghyuck tremble and twitch underneath him, shocked. It becomes too much, the direct stimulation on the most sensitive part of his cock, the pleasure in his asshole, and Donghyuck comes, intensely and strongly enough for him to shake, wetting Jaemin’s chin with his fluids. </p><p class="ao3">When Donghyuck calms down and relaxes against his mattress, Jaemin kisses him. Donghyuck is able to feel his bitter and salty taste on Jaemin’s tongue, and he moans at that. It feels filthy and dirty and intimate.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin comes jerking himself off. Donghyuck turns around, with his knees bent under his relaxed body on the bed, and he lets Jaemin stain his coccyx with cum.</p><p class="ao3">After they clean themselves up, Donghyuck asks Jaemin to stay the night. He agrees, pecking his lips softly, with a shy and happy smile.</p><p class="ao3">The next day, when Donghyuck wakes up, Jaemin’s back is still pressed against his chest, caged between his arm and the mattress.</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">
  <em> <strong> 4. </strong> </em>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">When Jaemin texted Donghyuck to ask if he wanted to meet him at the bar that had just opened near campus the next evening, Donghyuck didn’t think that it would be just the two of them. He should have imagined it, though.</p><p class="ao3">It's not a bad thing. Donghyuck wants to be with Jaemin all of the time. </p><p class="ao3">He especially likes how Jaemin treats him when none of their friends are around, when there is no one to make assumptions about their relationship based on prickled information. Donghyuck likes how Jaemin's eyes lingers on his mouth, how his hands find the small of his back, and how he smiles at him, provocative, but looking boyish and innocent at the same time.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck doesn't need to ask why Jaemin has asked him to come. The reason is clear by the way that Jaemin kisses his lips as a form of greeting. "You look so handsome," Jaemin says, and when Donghyuck stares at him, he notices that his eyes are glazed.</p><p class="ao3">"So do you," Donghyuck answers, looking at Jaemin with a soft smile. "Are you drunk?"</p><p class="ao3">"Just a little bit," Jaemin chuckles. He scrunches up his nose, embarrassed, and Donghyuck finds it endearing. "You're late. I had nothing else to do."</p><p class="ao3">“I’ll make up to you,” Donghyuck promises. </p><p class="ao3">They order too many tequila shots, and Donghyuck allows the magnetic field around Jaemin to suck him in. He lets go of the rope of care that he always wears around Jaemin, not being able to resist him.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck relishes on the way that Jaemin’s eyes don’t ever leave him during the night, always watching him warmly and sweetly, glinting brightly. Jaemin listens to Donghyuck as he talks, laughing and answering at the right times, with a seducing smile.</p><p class="ao3">He adores the way that Jaemin kisses him with tongue at their table at the bar. Without caring about the people who may look, he tastes the bitterness of the tequila in his Donghyuck's mouth like he can’t control himself. His hand doesn’t leave Donghyuck’s thigh, as if he is guarding him. Jaemin looks at him like Donghyuck is the most important person in the world, and it’s so hard for Donghyuck not to believe it.</p><p class="ao3">When they are drunk enough, and Donghyuck’s tongue is loose enough, he asks what has been on his mind all evening. “What was wrong with Jongho? He didn’t even last a month.”</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin’s smile falters. He doesn’t stop looking at Donghyuck softly as he talks, though. “Why do you always want to know? It doesn’t matter.”</p><p class="ao3">It matters to Donghyuck. Jaemin's indifference towards the people that he dates haunts him. Donghyuck is too scared that, one day, it'll be towards him too.</p><p class="ao3">"I just want to understand why you're never satisfied," Donghyuck answers. It's not a lie, but his words have water under it, and their meaning becomes blurry and unclear. On the back of his mind, Donghyuck knows that what is really asking Jaemin is what it would make him not leave. Donghyuck would do anything.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin smiles, but, for the first in the evening, there's a sourness underneath it. "You know why, Donghyuck. You just don't believe it." Jaemin doesn't look mad, he looks hurt, and Donghyuck feels like something is slipping between his fingers. "None of them are you," Jaemin says it as if it is final, shrugging his shoulders, before he takes one more shot of tequila.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck kisses Jaemin, and it's different from the other kisses that they shared earlier during the night. It's not soft or lazy, Donghyuck's tongue is fast and hungry, and Jaemin lets himself be kissed silly. There is a desperation in it, and Donghyuck feels exasperated with himself. He feels like he has lost control of everything, the only thing on his mind is Jaemin and his stupid, wonderful words.</p><p class="ao3">He is too lost for rescue. He lets himself go.</p><p class="ao3">After they leave the bar, they go to Donghyuck's apartment. When they are in the Uber, Jaemin begs with a low and rough voice, his tongue warm on his jaw, for Donghyuck to fuck him. His words are filthy and hot in Donghyuck's ear, and he squeezes Jaemin's thigh, trying not to moan, to not disturb the driver.</p><p class="ao3">When they arrive at Donghyuck's bedroom, they take off their clothes. Jaemin undresses quickly, showing off his beautiful pink and wet dick, already half hard against his right hip, with balls tight against the base of his cock, and the small and tan nipples on his chest. </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck gets completely naked too, except for his binder. Jaemin helps him to get into his black harness, pulling its strap-ends to tighten it against Donghyuck's body, around his hips and under his butt, until it’s comfortable. They both laugh as Donghyuck jumps up and down to see if the strap-on is well-fitted and won’t slip down, drunk on the silliness of it and on each other.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck lets Jaemin choose the dildo that they are going to use. He picks a purple jelly rubber one, with seven inches and skin-like texture, that gets bigger at the base. After Donghyuck fits the base of the toy through the O-ring of the harness, Jaemin immediately pulls him to the edge of his bed, making him sit on it, as he kneels down on the floor. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin sucks Donghyuck off sloppily and hungrily, with loud choking noises. He hugs Donghyuck's hips with his arms, closing his eyes, lost in the feeling of the dick in his mouth and Donghyuck’s fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp. He starts to deep throat the cock, his tongue licking what he isn’t able to fit into his mouth and swallowing around the head. Every time that Jaemin pulls back to take a breath, a thick thread of saliva links his tongue to Donghyuck’s dick. </p><p class="ao3">“Fuck, baby, come here,” Donghyuck says, too breathless and turned on. He guides his cock out of Jaemin’s mouth, pulling him up onto the top of his bed.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck fingers Jaemin open to take his dick. He keeps a tight hand on the base of Jaemin’s cock, stopping him from coming, making him twitch, buck up and mewl each time that his prostate is pressed. </p><p class="ao3">When he is ready, Jaemin sits on Donghyuck’s lap, to guide his cockhead into his hole. The fit is easy, because they used a lot of lube and because of how loose Donghyuck made him with his fingers. He rides Donghyuck, with his feet planted on the mattress and his hands behind him, squeezing Donghyuck’s thighs, balancing himself. The vision of Jaemin’s cock bobbing and slapping loudly against his navel makes Donghyuck moan, and he presses his hands more strongly on Jaemin’s hips. </p><p class="ao3">Jaemin comes untouched, as Donghyuck fucks him from behind. The position makes Jaemin tighter, his rim catching on Donghyuck’s cock every time that he pulls in and out of it, and he feels overwhelmed by the sensation. The firm dickhead directly stimulates his prostate, and Donghyuck’s movements are fast and hard, carelessly, making Jaemin let out staccato moans as he gives up supporting his upper body.</p><p class="ao3">The position allows Donghyuck to control the pressure against his cock and cunt underneath the material of the strap-on. He guides his dick in and out of Jaemin’s hole sloppily and eagerly, enjoying the ring of pleasure that passes through him at the slaps of their bodies. </p><p class="ao3">He is so wet that he is able to feel his slick on his inner thighs. Jaemin is so amazing, and Donghyuck can’t help but moan at the vision of his tiny and cherry hole fluttering against his purple cock, struggling with the pace of the movements.</p><p class="ao3">After Jaemin comes, Donghyuck stands up to undress the harness, leaving it on the floor of his bedroom. He climbs back onto bed, with two of his bent knuckles already pressing on each side of his cock, moaning.</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin asks how he can help him come, and smiles big, nodding, after Donghyuck asks if wants to eat his ass. Donghyuck comes with legs thrown over Jaemin’s shoulders, with his warm tongue inside of his butthole, rubbing the sensitive head of his unhooded dick.</p><p class="ao3">When it ends, they are both too tired to clean themselves up. They lie down next to each other on the bed, Jaemin on his stomach and Donghyuck on his back. Before Jaemin falls asleep, he circles his arm around Donghyuck’s waist and kisses Donghyuck’s shoulder.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck stays awake for much longer. He doesn’t know what he is doing with Jaemin anymore, it stopped being a game a long time ago. But, right now, as he feels Jaemin’s heat coming from his side, he feels hopeful.</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">
  <strong> <em> 5. </em> </strong>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">"Don't answer it," Donghyuck reinforces to Renjun and Jeno, as the doorbell rings one more time. The loud sound is shrill inside of his and Renjun's silent apartment.</p><p class="ao3">"Dude," Jeno says, and Donghyuck stands up from the armchair that he was sitting on, not wanting to listen. Jeno is Jaemin's childhood best friend, and, as much as Donghyuck loves them, right now, he doesn't want to hear a word from them.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck leaves the living room and enters the kitchen, running his fingers through his hair. On the way, he is able to see the door, and the shadow of Jaemin's feet is clear in the light that comes from outside, through the gap between the door and the floor. It makes Donghyuck want to scream.</p><p class="ao3">He hasn't seen or spoken to Jaemin for two months. Not ever since he had shocked Donghyuck, appearing at a night out with a pretty boy nicknamed Vernon on his arm, introducing him to all of their friends as his new boyfriend. Jaemin didn't acknowledge Donghyuck that evening, nor at any other time that they have met since then. It’s as if they are nothing more than distant acquaintances.</p><p class="ao3">Until now, and Donghyuck knows why he is here, desperate to reach him.</p><p class="ao3">"Hey," Renjun's voice takes Donghyuck out of his thoughts. He raises his eyes, to look at him. Renjun has a soft expression on his face, serious but understanding, and it makes Donghyuck sigh. "I know this is a shit situation, but you can't treat Jeno like that. They are not here to defend Jaemin, and you know that."</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck knows that Renjun is right. Jeno is at their place to watch a movie with Renjun, and to probably be felt up on the couch by him. Jaemin's timing is just fucked-up like that.</p><p class="ao3">“I know,” Donghyuck says, embarrassed. He feels like a mess, “I’ll apologize to them.”</p><p class="ao3">Renjun gives him a small smile, it’s sweet but somber. </p><p class="ao3">After a few moments, he speaks again, “I do think you should talk to Jaemin, though.” Renjun doesn’t give Donghyuck the space for him to talk, ignoring the way that he widens his eyes and opens his mouth to take a breath. “Me and Jeno are going to go out. We are going to meet him outside, we can tell Jaemin to go away, or not. It’s your call.”</p><p class="ao3">“Why do you think I should talk to him?” Donghyuck really wants to know, but, as he speaks, he can feel a poisonous taste on his tongue.</p><p class="ao3">Renjun doesn’t react to Donghyuck’s tone of voice. Instead, he just shrugs his shoulders, helpless. “I don’t know, but when has not talking ever worked for both of you?”</p><p class="ao3">Renjun leaves him alone in the kitchen. His words echo on Donghyuck’s mind, feeling big enough to be overbearing</p><p class="ao3">The doorbell rings again, but nobody answers it. He is able to hear, coming from the living room, the sounds of Renjun and Jeno moving, probably getting ready to go out.</p><p class="ao3">“Hyuck,” Renjun calls for him from the hallway, snapping Donghyuck, once again, out of the thoughts rolling on his mind. He and Jeno are in the hallway, looking at Donghyuck, wearing shoes on their feet. “We are leaving. Do you want us to let Jaemin in?”</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck sighs, and nods his head, allowing it.</p><p class="ao3">“Okay, we will.” Renjun's voice sounds sweet, as if he is trying to comfort Donghyuck. “Good luck.”</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck hears them opening the door of the apartment, and, immediately, sounds of shushed words rise into his ears. It makes his heart pound against his chest, and, for the first time, Donghyuck realizes how anxious he really is. The ends of his fingers tremble slightly, the waiting for Jaemin destabilizing him.</p><p class="ao3">There is another sound, the click of door closing, before there’s nothing. By the way that silence swallows the apartment, Donghyuck knows that he and Jaemin are alone. He hears the muted noise of Jaemin's steps against the floor, approaching the kitchen. </p><p class="ao3">The first thing that Donghyuck notices about Jaemin is the red skin around his eyes. It looks as if he has been crying, and the way that his big eyes look darker and more sparkly corroborates with it.</p><p class="ao3">“Jaemin” Donghyuck’s exhaustion bleeds through his voice, “how did you manage to fuck things up so badly?” </p><p class="ao3">He has never wanted to know something more in his life. When Donghyuck tries to trace back the steps that they took, the footprints get so messy that it’s impossible.</p><p class="ao3">“I broke up with Vernon.” it’s the only thing that Jaemin says. His voice is broken and weak, and it’s clear that he is lost, that he has no idea about what to do. </p><p class="ao3">“What the fuck does that mean?” Donghyuck snaps, and, when Jaemin looks at him with surprised eyes, he feels a furiously burn shaking his heart. “I mean it, Jaemin. What does that mean? It means that you’re going to get a new boyfriend a month from now? It means that you want to fuck me before you do? Is it an apology? What is that supposed to mean to me? You’re so full of shit, Jaemin. I don’t give a fuck about you and Vernon.”</p><p class="ao3">“I am sorry,” Jaemin whines. He is crying, and the tears stain his cheeks. He looks confused, as if he is trying to piece together something that he doesn’t understand how it broke. “I love you, Donghyuck, I do. I don’t know how to make things better.”</p><p class="ao3">“You’re so pathetic,” Donghyuck says. The anger and frustration that he is feeling towards Jaemin blinds him, but it loosens his tongue up. “You don’t love me. You are just terrified of being alone, but you are too selfish to care about someone who isn’t you.”</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin shakes his head, and presses the palm of his hands against his eyes. He is breathing loudly enough that Donghyuck is able to hear it across the kitchen. </p><p class="ao3">“I’m so fucked up, Donghyuck. I don’t know what to do.” His voice is choked up. Jaemin takes his hand out of his face, and he looks very flushed, unattractively red all over. "I never wanted to hurt you, I’m sorry. Please, you have to believe me.”</p><p class="ao3">It drains all of Donghyuck’s energy. He can’t keep doing variations of the same thing with Jaemin anyone. There is no point for both of them to go through all of this pain, especially when there will be nothing on the other side of it.</p><p class="ao3">“I don’t care, Jaemin,” his voice is quiet as he speaks. Donghyuck crosses his arms in front of his chest, looking at Jaemin with serious and hopeless eyes. “Why are you here? There is nothing left that I could give to you, you refused everything I had.”</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin doesn’t answer him. He opens his mouth, but nothing but stutter sounds come out of it. He gives up, then, and stares at Donghyuck with glassy eyes, as if recognizing his defeat. When Donghyuck asks Jaemin to leave, and he does, without a word or movement of debate. </p><p class="ao3">It's hard to see Jaemin go. A rush of undefinable emotions goes through Donghyuck's mind and heart. The frustration that he feels, though, is impossible to not be aware of. It pulsates and aches on the space between Donghyuck's bones and soul, as he thinks about everything that him and Jaemin wasted.</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">
  <em> <strong> 6. </strong> </em>
</p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3"> </p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck always knew that, eventually, he and Jaemin would meet again. It would be impossible not to, as they are stringed together by the same group of friends and the same university.</p><p class="ao3">It's not a shock to see him at the surprise birthday party that Renjun has organized for Jeno. Ever since Renjun had started to plan it, Donghyuck readied himself for it. Of course that Jaemin would be there, Jeno has been his best friend since they were both little kids.</p><p class="ao3">It still makes Donghyuck's heart race on his chest, though. </p><p class="ao3">It's the first time that Donghyuck sees Jaemin ever since he left his apartment, almost eight months ago. He shouldn't be so surprised at how different Jaemin looks from how he remembers him, but Donghyuck has the image of Jaemin's crying and blotchy face burned under his eyelids, and he got used to it.</p><p class="ao3">That is not what Jaemin looks like right now, as he stands close enough for Donghyuck to be able to study his face. He looks handsome, flushed prettily only on the top of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.</p><p class="ao3">“It’s been a long time,” Jaemin says, and it’s clear that he is embarrassed. His voice sounds shaky, and his eyes jump around on Donghyuck’s face. “How are you doing?”</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck wonders why Jaemin is putting himself through this, he looks incredibly uncomfortable and out of his element. It’s a rare sight to see, and Donghyuck realizes that he finds it endearing, instead of ridiculous.</p><p class="ao3">“Yeah, it has.” He answers, nodding his head, with a neutral tone of voice. “I’m fine. What about you?”</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck takes another drag of his cigarette. He had left the inside of Johnny’s bar, wanting to escape from the busy and chaotic party. He was alone at the veranda, until Jaemin arrived, approaching Donghyuck carefully, as he asked if he could make him some company. He agreed, as if an old habit had been triggered. </p><p class="ao3">“I’m okay.” Jaemin responds, with a small smile.</p><p class="ao3">As he watches Jaemin, Donghyuck confirms what he only suspected. He is not angry or frustrated anymore, those feelings emptied as a balloon full of air with time. Now, he only feels a nostalgic kind of sadness, as if he has been mourning the pieces of his and Jaemin’s relationship.</p><p class="ao3">“Is there something that you want?” Donghyuck asks, staring at Jaemin with furrowed eyebrows when the silence begins to swell. He takes one last drag of his cigarette, before dumping its butt inside the empty bottle of beer that he used as an ashtray.</p><p class="ao3">“I just wanted to talk to you.” Jaemin says, and the blush on his cheeks deepens. He smiles, but it’s self-aware, as he recognizes the awkwardness of it. “I miss you.”</p><p class="ao3">“I miss you too.” It’s so easy for Donghyuck to answer it. It slides from his tongue like honey. He feels his own face heat up, and he and Jaemin chuckle, a little self-deprecating.</p><p class="ao3">The silence that installs itself between them is not tense this time. They are able to hear the muffled sound of the music and the talk coming from inside Johnny's bar, but it doesn't disturb them. It makes Donghyuck feel like they are inside of a bubble that only themselves can legitimate its existence. It feels weirdly comforting.</p><p class="ao3">"Actually," Jaemin clears his throat, and, before he speaks again, he stares at Donghyuck, as if he is taking a breath, before jumping into the unknown. "I've wanted to talk to you for a while now. I’m really sorry about how things went down between us, I think about it all the time. I want to apologize to you. I never intended to hurt you, if anything, I was trying to hurt myself, not you, never you. I know that's not an excuse." He stops talking, blinking his eyes. When he continues, Donghyuck is able to notice that his eyes look clearer and more focused, "I'm sorry, Donghyuck. I really am."</p><p class="ao3">It feels surreal, to be standing outside of a party, hearing Jaemin struggle to express himself. Donghyuck thinks about the care and the resentment that rests on his chest, mind and stomach as he looks at Jaemin. It makes him happy, just as it makes him sad, and he wonders if, someday, the love that he feels for Jaemin will be less complicated, because he is almost sure that it's never going to end.</p><p class="ao3">"Thank you for saying that, Jaemin," Donghyuck says. "It means a lot to me."</p><p class="ao3">Jaemin smiles, but there is no trace of happiness as he speaks, "I haven't been with anyone since you." </p><p class="ao3">"You mean since Vernon." Donghyuck quickly states, with a somber tone.</p><p class="ao3">"Yeah, but no." Jaemin says, and all of the awkwardness from before comes back. It's in the way that he avoids Donghyuck's eyes, looking down, and how he shifts his weight from one foot to another. "It was always about you. I thought that was the only way that you would ever want me." Jaemin looks straight at Donghyuck's eyes as he continues, "You were right, though, about what you said at your kitchen that day. I got really scared when things started to get more real between us, I thought you were going to get tired of me eventually, so I decided to date again, to keep you interested."</p><p class="ao3">"That was really stupid," Donghyuck says. There's nothing else that he could do, he just watches all the missed chances and opportunities that passed through him and Jaemin.</p><p class="ao3">"Was it?" Jaemin asks, biting his bottom lip, with big and shiny eyes. "Did you ever believe that I actually loved you?"</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck stares at Jaemin. For the first time, it is so difficult to do it that he wants to give up. He sees him. Jaemin's big eyes, the bridge of his nose and the pink of his mouth, and thinks about how it would be, to be loved by him. If he would have noticed, or ignored all of the signs, blinded by his own convictions.</p><p class="ao3">"No," Donghyuck answers it truthfully.</p><p class="ao3">"Do you believe that I love you now?"</p><p class="ao3">When Donghyuck looks at Jaemin one more time, he doesn't need to think. </p><p class="ao3">He immediately recognizes the brightness in Jaemin's eyes, the blush on his face, the unsure smile of his mouth. They are the same ones that Donghyuck carries around. It is still hard, because Donghyuck sees in Jaemin the twin of the broken love that he keeps safely locked on his chest.</p><p class="ao3">Donghyuck smiles, and says, sweetly, "I do."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello! i hope you enjoyed reading it! if you did, please leave a comment, it's really helpful for the improvement of my writing and it's just so nice to read it lol i'd love to know what caught your attention!!</p><p>i'm on <a href="https://twitter.com/neomarxist127">twitter</a>, that i just use to rant my about my writing tbh, i'm also on <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/neomarxist127">curiouscat</a> </p><p>the title for this work comes from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4A8e14WLOw">this song</a> by the national</p><p>&lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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